Virgins v. Vixens: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN!

They're back and they're well-rested, kittens!

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Virgins v. Vixens

Well, we can't say this was much of a surprise.

JOAN COLLINS IS DEAD.

Apparently, her 50 years of full-on bitchery just wasn't enough to overcome Shirl's multiple lifetimes' worth of experience. Somewhere, Linda Evans is enjoying a good laugh.

Clearly, you've all got a major hardon for Shirl (not that we can blame you), so it's tough to come up with any worthy adversaries without heading straight to the top tiers of the competition. Well, hopefully this next Vixen will put up a good enough fight.

Fasten your seatbelts, because this bout is transAtlantic.

MISS SHIRLEY MACLAINE


VS.

Mme. BRIGITTE BARDOT

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Virgins v. Vixens

Alright, alright. We've neglected our virgins and vixens and left them hanging for almost a month, it's true. We are hanging our heads in shame. But truly, we tend to get bored with the one-sided bouts rather quickly and honeys, this one was a BLOOD BATH.

Alright, alright. We've neglected our virgins and vixens and left them hanging for almost a month, it's true. We are hanging our heads in shame. But truly, we tend to get bored with the one-sided bouts rather quickly and honeys, this one was a BLOOD BATH.

GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA IS DEAD.

Now, look. Don't blame us for this one. You guys were so red hot for Gina in the previous matches that we thought going up against a bigger star would be a snap for her. Sadly, we over estimated her popularity and there's nothing left on the mat but a torn bathing cap with a missing flower. Ciao, Gina.

Now we're in a bit of a spot here. We've gotta find bitches strong enough to go against a star without breaking out too many of the big guns yet. We've given up on trying to predict which way you fickle ladies are gonna vote, so we're just gonna have to wing it.

You tell us, bitches: is it a bout or a bloodbath as...

MISS SHIRLEY MACLAINE

re-enters the ring in a fetching little dress to take on ...



MISS JOAN COLLINS,

dressed like a whore.

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Virgins v. Vixens

Darlings, you confuse us. We gave up attempting to predict the outcomes of these little matchups long ago, but we were still a little surprised at how the last one shook out. You see...

JEAN SIMMONS IS DEAD.

Now, don't get us wrong. It doesn't surprise us that she lost; it surprises us that she lost so handily - by an almost 2 to 1 ratio. Certainly, Gina Lollobrigida is fabulous and formidable and you've all demonstrated a fondness for the Vixens over the Virgins, but there's a part of us that just assumes that the actress with the longer, better career is going to be the one most likely to win it. Shows how much we know.

So, with that in mind, we're going to switch things up and haul out one of the Big Guns. And by that we mean those actresses from the period who either had careers that were decades long, sometimes even up to the present day, or are such superstars that no one really needs to be told who they are. This newest entry into the ring is both. We weren't planning on unveiling her until later in the competition but you bitches need something to think about.

Strap yourselves in, ladies. You clearly have a fondness for the Killa from Italia, but she's up against a superstar now.

GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA


VS.

MISS SHIRLEY MACLAINE

How do you like them apples?

Strangely, it's a little hard to find period clips of Shirley's work on YouTube. A lot of Steel Magnolias and Terms of Endearment, but no worthy clips from The Apartment or Sweet Charity. Weird. We always try to feature clips from the actresses' heydays because ...well, just because. Anyway, you're going to have to use your memory on this one.


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Virgins v. Vixens

We're back! And sadly, we have to announce that...

LESLIE CARON IS DEAD.

We were a bit surprised. We felt she had the momentum and was likely to roll over any competitor that stood in her way, but alas, the poodle lost to the pasta and poor Leslie won't be making it to the finals. What is it with you bitches? You can't seem to make up your minds if you're virgin-o-philes or vixen-o-philes, can you?

We'd like to think we know how this next one's gonna roll, but we never can predict what you gals are gonna do next. Think wisely, because we're once again pairing up the Europeans (there were a LOT of Euro-actresses from this period, more than we realized) as...

GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA

spits in her hands to take on the very prim, but steel-spined

MISS JEAN SIMMONS

Jean always came off a little prissy but she also had a tendency to play very strong-willed women and Gina was a force of nature so it's anyone's guess how this one's gonna turn out. Bitches....GO!

Here's Gina, vamping it up in Beautiful But Dangerous:



And here's Jean, closing her legs and opening her mouth for Brando in Guys and Dolls:




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Virgins v. Vixens

Darlings, we heard you the first 50 times! We're so sorry it took so long to get back to our V v. V match. Forgive us?

Besides, most of you should be quite happy to hear that...

MAMIE VAN DOREN IS DEAD.

You bitches were having none of it. According to y'all, she couldn't hold a candle to our Gallic gamine. In fact, some of the comments were surprisingly vitriolic. Can't a cheap ho get a little loving around here?

You'll be happy to know your popular poodle is back in the game this week and this time, she's going up against another continental babe. Someone's going to be singing at the end of this one, bitches. It's up to you whether that song is La Marseillais or O, Solo Mio, as

Mlle. LESLIE CARON

takes on

Signorina GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA

First up, Leslie's so sweet, she'll give you a toothache in 1953's Lili:

And Mama Mia! Gina parades around in a gorgeous dress (before ripping it off) in 1958's Fast and Sexy:

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Virgins v. Vixens

Darlings, here we are again!

JANET LEIGH IS DEAD.

But it was close, darlings. So close, we were forced to do a recount by law. The results, however, couldn't be disputed. No matter how much people argued for her iconic death scene in Psycho, Leigh couldn't rally in the end against the Novak fans. You bitches are always gonna side with the vixen over the virgin, aren't you?

Well, we'll just see about that. This week, Novak dusts herself off and squares her bullet tits off against a gamine's gams, as

MISS KIM NOVAK

Takes on that gallic little pixie with the career that wouldn't die,

MADEMOISELLE LESLIE CARON

First up: Novak shakes her hips at William Holden in Picnic:


While Caron shakes everything she's got for Gene Kelly's ass in An American in Paris:



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Virgins v. Vixens

Darlings, we'd been planning this followup to the popular Dames and Divas Deathmatch for some time now but never seemed to get around to it. The upcoming 4-day weekend seemed like the right time. As we give thanks this holiday season, let's hold a special place in our heart for those sirens of the silver screen who pretend beat the shit out of each other for our amusement.

And why Virgins vs. Vixens? Well, much like the '30s and '40s were defined by the dame-y divaness of its female stars, the '50s and '60s were chock full of starlets falling sharply on either side of the good/bad girl divide. There were your professional virgins of the Doris Day mode, and then there were the sex kittens embodied by the ever-present Marilyn. Of course, just like Dames and Divas, some of our contestants will not be so easily defined, but we think this week, we've kicked it off with two of the quintessential virgins and vixens of the era.

Hold on to your hats and adjust your pearls and white gloves, ladies, because the former Jeanette Helen Morrison:

MISS JANET LEIGH

is taking on The former Marilyn Pauline Novak:

MISS KIM NOVAK

It's the battle of the Hitchcock blondes, bitches!

First up, Janet drives into destiny in the immortal Psycho:


And Kim drives Jimmy Stewart off the deep end (metaphorically speaking) in Vertigo:




Special thanks to our friend Stephen who, months ago when we told him we were thinking of doing this, promptly emailed us a comprehensive list of the actresses of the period, saving us hours of work.


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