Vincent: One last, loving look back.

"You are the most sensational-looking woman on this boat who's still talking to me. Of course I'm a little crazy."

"Mon Dieu! My very womb just recoiled!"

Michael Knight, Fashion Ninja

Ouch. There are missteps and then there are missteps. This was just badbadbad. It's to Michael's credit that he made no bones about it. He knew he had an ugly garment and he didn't try to bullshit anyone over it.

We have to say, even if the ruching had been perfectly executed, this still wouldn't have looked good. Too much. It looks like a fabric pastry.

We loved watching Michael dig a deeper and deeper hole for himself this week. Not because we're masochists, but because he got more and more supercool and laser-focused the further in he got, to the point that each time he spoke his voice got softer and his words more slow and deliberate. Like the whole dress-making thing was just a cover for his secret assassination mission.

"Step any closer, Vincent and you'll be dead before you hit the floor. I've got ruching to pin."

For all his zen calm, however, he couldn't keep it off his face when he saw that hot mess on the runway.

That's an "Oh shit" face if ever we saw one.

"I'm wearing an Uli Herzner UNoriginal!"

It's so damn hard to write posts about Uli because dammit, she never gives us material for jokes. She's so drama-free and low key that she doesn't seem like a reality show contestant at all.

Anyway, let's talk about her dress this week.

Whoops! That's not this week's dress! How ever could we have made such a mistake?

Okay, pretty. Very, very pretty. Beautiful color, beautiful detail on the bust, beautiful construction. If this had been the first Uli Herzner dress we'd ever seen, we'd be falling all over ourselves complimenting it.

Thing is, it's not the first Uli Herzner dress we've ever seen. Laura gets criticized a lot for being one-note, but there's a difference between having a narrow aesthetic and literally making the same dress over and over again. We were truly puzzled as to why the judges didn't say anything to that effect this week.

The other thing that puzzled us is why the judges didn't point out what seemed obvious to us: this dress doesn't represent or look like a couture gown. It looks like a nice red carpet dress and there's a big difference.

Maybe we're reading too much into it, but it sounded like Catherine Malandrino was hinting at just that in her comment.

"It is so easy, so light and effortless."

Ahh, catty French bitches. What's not to love?

Uli, Schätzchen, we think you're very sweet and you have certainly never thrown anything down the runway that didn't look beautifully made, but with each subsequent garment, we grow less and less impressed. On the one hand, we want you to make it to the final four to see your collection, on the other hand, we feel like we've seen your collection already.

This is, of course, personal taste, but we'll take a "Manhattan Rich Bitch" aesthetic over a "Miami Rich Bitch" one any day of the week.

So there.

Couture 101

Just to shake things up a bit and because last week's challenge fostered a wide diversity of strong opinions, we thought we'd take a minute to look at the concept of couture and what it means.

Now, make no mistake, we're fabulous, but we thought we'd ask a true fashion bitch for her opinion, so we contacted our good friend George at Rafe New York and he graciously offered his take:

"Haute Couture to the public at large is oft about the outlandish. People who only watch the couture shows in the media but don't deal with the aspects of fashion that include (or strive to be like, as it may) this highest form of the fashion industry's craft only see the garish elements that make the couture shows exactly that: SHOWS. People in the industry - whether editors, fellow designers or clients - can mentally edit what is shown on the runway to reveal what the couture was originally (and for some, still is) about: made-to-order clothing customers will actually wear, created with the highest levels of craftsmanship, from construction to embellishment. So high, in fact, that the couturiers design on a level of difficulty that matches or continually tests the metier of its craftsmen, and makes these clothes unfit for any sort of mass production. The show aspects are there to entertain, inspire and spur imagination more than to be taken literally. "Crazy fashion" does not equal Couture.

If you watch the challenge again, you'll see that Tim Gunn made certain to say that the contestants were to imbue their gowns with couture elements, because really, none of these designers are actually qualified to make couture, since you have to have an atelier, be certified by the Chambre, etc., etc.

Pnut's entry, from concept to pattern to execution, was the closest (though not without missteps, in my estimation) to a couture gown, because his design pushed the limits of the dressmaking craft. Laura's, while pretty, was a simulacrum of past couture work, more of an ode to couture than actual attempt at it. Michael's ruched gown could have qualified from its concept, but since Couture is about craftmanship as much as it is about design to showcase the craft, it fell flat (had Malan been in the competition, he might have had a chance at excelling in this challenge). Uli's gown was beautiful, but when you consider that she has done most, if not all, of the elements on her gown in past challenges, it certainly
didn't push the envelope enough to qualify as a stretch into the land of couture and is perhaps why it didn't get the highest marks from the judges.

Kayne's work, well - since Haute Couture represents the highest form of the dressmaking craft - it needs to reflect the highest taste levels as well (although to be fair, there are some tacky couture designs in existence). Couture can be about the simplest suit, just constructed impeccably, so much so that you can often wear a couture dress inside out because even the lining is equally beautiful. Kayne took the route of creating a show dress because in his mind it seemed Haute Couture is about show clothing, but he just tried to show too much. As Coco Chanel once said, "Elegance is refusal." Had he edited himself and focused on one or two aspects of his design instead of this "everything and the kitchen sink" attitude, he might have had a chance. At least it fit extremely well. But that just makes him a good dressmaker, not necessarily a great designer. Yet."

To our surprise and delight, the fabulous Rafe himself offered his opinion:

"Haute Couture as far as I can remember from my FIT days and my general exposure from working within the fashion industry means "High Fashion," but practically it means "made to order".

The French take couture very seriously. The have an association for couturiers that presides over the coming and goings of the shows, who can show, when to show, etc. They have rules as to what merits a "maison" to be considered entry to the French couture shows. I seem to recall you have to show a minimum of 30 looks and must employ a minimum number of "petite mains" (little hands or seamstresses). What makes couture...couture? Since the premise is that the garment is made to order, that means the process will require several steps, fittings with the client, first with the muslin and then a 2nd with the actual fabric mostly "basted" (lightly stitched) on to the underpinnings, etc. A couture garment will usually involve some embroidery from the best embroidery company Lesage, the best silks from Bucol, lots of beadwork and hand stitching; sleeves have to be set in by hand; lapels have to be sewn on horsehair canvas not pressed/fused like most ready-to-wear garments; linings will be silk, not acetate; and so on. The final outcome should be a perfect fit and exactly as you envisioned it. Couture designers show twice a year to clients and then these clients will make appointments and select which designs from the show they liked and will make necessary adjustments or different color choices. This is why it is couture because it is made for you, just for you and exactly as you want it.

The whole idea that a couture garment can be made in 2 days, as Project Runway suggested, is ridiculous but it was an attempt to address a wider audience and I suppose it makes good TV to see those guys fret and sweat. Unfortunately, most of the designs ended up looking like mother of the bride or prom dresses on acid, especially Kayne's. Poor guy, he can't help himself. Everything but the kitchen sink was on that monster of a gown. Oy!"

Thanks, fabulous bitches! We'll be back in a little bit to rip Uli's gown off her model and stomp on it (figuratively, of course).

There's a party on the Seine and everyone's coming!

Fille! Le Fierce! Now that's what we're talking about! Bitch looked FABULEUSE! The hair, the dress, the shoes, the jewelry, the sunglasses - talk about looking put together. Loved it!

The only way this picture could possibly look any more French is if Catherine Deneuve popped out of a giant croissant dressed like Edith Piaf singing La Marseillaise.

We think Mme. Malandrino has a little thing for our Hip-Hop Knight in Seersucker! How charming was he?

Great job on the "party," Bravo. We've been to birthday parties for 5-year-olds that were more involved than this. You rented a boat and put a bucket of free champagne out. Big frikkin whoop. We were sorely disappointed, but probably not as much as the designers were.

Work them beads, girl!

Laura Honey? Are you in there?

"I never dress down. I think that when you're 42 years old and you have 5 children, it's a slippery slope to sweatpants and a minivan, so I just don't go there."

Oh, Honey. We had a feeling those words were going to come back to bite you in the ass. All you need is a cigarette dangling from your lips and a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and you could tell people you're Laura's trailer park cousin. In fact, that's the explanation we're going with because we refuse to believe that's you.

Oui! Oui! Je suis tackée!

Dear Diary,
Woke up in Paris this morning. Still fierce.
Love,
Me

The thing we love about Kaynebow is his supreme self-confidence in the face of adversity. You don't grow up a fat gay kid in Tennessee without developing some world-class coping skills and skin as thick as a rhino's. Unfortunately, that attitude may just be his downfall on PR.

This dress is pure Monet. Looks pretty good from far away, but the closer you get, the fuglier it becomes.

Let's get the compliments out of the way. The skirt is gorgeous and flows beautifully, the bodice is a work of architecture and yes, it deserves to be pointed out, Kayne does have a wonderful sense of color.

BTW, Amanda? Fierce, girl! She worked that thing like her next meal (which was probably about 3 days away) depended on it. The styling looked great too. We almost didn't recognize her.

But let's move in a little closer, shall we?

Ahhhh!!!! Our eyes! They burn! Too much, Kaynebow! Way, way too much!

Here's the thing about using asymmetry in design. It should be used to make a statement, therefore, it should be used sparingly. The top of the bodice was asymmetrical, the bottom was asymmetrical, the trim was asymmetrical and the lacing was asymmetrical. That's not making a statement, it's making a speech. Loudly. Through a bullhorn. With a lisp.

Oh, Tim. Say "visible boning" again. It makes us weak.

This is what we mean about his fierce self-confidence doing him in. If he can't edit himself (and it appears he can't), then he needs to listen to the people who are telling him to do so.

In 1977, one of us made a Christmas corsage in Cub Scouts for his mother out of this exact same material. How is it that Kayne managed to shop in a high-end fabric store in Paris and come away with something you could find in a craft store in suburbia?

"*gasp!* Ohmigod! Everyone's right! I am a tacky queen!"

Mon Dieu! Les Dust Bunnies!

Let's get this out of the way first, Bitches. We likednotloved the dress. We'd love to say that Laura can do no wrong, but this was a misstep. Ninabitch was a little hard on her but the fact of the matter is, she was right. This is not new, fresh or young in any way.

It was, however, very striking, very French and very Laura all at the same time. When we saw her sketching what looked like a black sheath with yet another plunging neckline, we were concerned, and rightfully so. This challenge required more than Laura's standard clean lines and classic styling. It needed a bold statement and more intricate detailing.

"This is Cherie. She's our most popular girl with the members of the Cabinet. Cherie, turn around and let this nice man get a good look at you. "

The collar almost saved it. We thought it looked gorgeous and appropriate in Paris. Unfortunately, looking at the whole dress, we could think of only one word and that word was "dour." Where was the chic playfullness of the bathmat coat or the "For Nuts Only" dress? Yes, the collar was, in Tim's words, "exuberant," but it was offset by the funereal dress. The two elements were fighting each other and unfortunately, the dress won.

It is to the fabulous Camilla's eternal credit that even though the collar went limp during the trip back, the dress still looked better on her than the Parisian model. Great styling! Loved the extensions!

But yeah, it looked like something Cruella DeVille's maid would wear.

Vincent: It gets me auf.

YES! YES! YES!
Oh God, we need a cigarette. That was just too satisfying for words. Captain Haldol's auf'ing (Dare we say it? We dare! We dare!) TOTALLY got us off. We watched the show with two friends last night and all four of us jumped out of our seats and cheered.

What made this doubly satisfying was the fact that Vincent was getting really full of himself for absolutely no reason. We don't think there was ever a designer on the show who demonstrated such powerful self-delusion. He walked around proclaiming his couture skills holding a bottle of glue, for God's sake.

One thing we really don't get is how the judges rarely ever pointed out the elephant in the room: ALL of Vincent's garments were poorly fitted. Every single one. It's like he specialized in puckered seams.

When our girl Nina said it looked like the dress was on her backwards, she hit the nail on the head. The sleeves were ugly and pointless, the bunnytail on her ass looked ridiculous and that fabric he used for the skirt was ugly and way too heavy. She looks like a little girl playing dressup in an upholstery store.

"Mommy, look! I made a skirt!"

"Unh-hunh. That's nice, honey. Now go put that back in the clearance bin while I talk to this nice man about the couch."

Edited to add: You guys have got to read this interview he gave for Entertainment Weekly. We are speechless!
Read it here.